Elusiveness
by Hemsee
Summary: Because humanity continues to elude him…and he doesn't want it that way – not for him, not for her. An interpretation of the last scene of "The Descent".


**Summary: **Because humanity continues to elude him…and he doesn't want it that way – not for him, not for her.

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**~ Elusiveness~**

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"_I __**miss **__being human…I miss it more than anything in the world."_

He remembers a time when the urge to kill wasn't an urge, and when the smell of blood didn't scream 'murder' in his mind. He remembers that hunting wasn't a distraction, but a sport, and didn't involve _humans _but _game_ like birds.

He remembers the time when _he _was human, and God damn it, he _misses _that.

He misses being a human _more than anything in the world _and yet, it's the one thing that seems to be just out of his reach; just within the grasp of his fingers.

It's unattainable, and that angers, and frustrates, and _saddens _him.

He remembers how it is to be human, and sometimes, he'll act it to a T; but he never _feels _genuinely human – he feels like a lame actor playing a really good part – and it feels awkward and wrong, and that _saddens _because humanity shouldn't be something he has to work at. It should be within him already.

But he's a vampire, and his humanity flew out of the window the day he became one.

Now he has to work at it, and it bewilders him because the thing that should be ingrained in him is the most elusive thing he's ever seen – and he's been tripping and failing so _miserably _over the past century and a half he wonders why he's still trying.

He tries for her.

"_I can't be what she __**wants **__me to be."_

When Damon's with Elena, he feels like he actually needs the air he breathes. She's like his ray of sunshine – his light in the darkness – and suddenly with her, humanity isn't something he has to work at so hard anymore.

She makes it _easy_. So goddamn _easy_ Damon feels like laughing sometimes.

How can one person make this _one _thing he's been trying – and failing – to get right for so many years make it _easy?_

He feels _human _and like he _matters _with her – like he hasn't lost this one thing that he's been trying to reach out to for so many years.

But just as he's grasping it – just as he thinks that he's _finally _getting this humanity thing right – something slams into him and reminds him that that's not _who _he is.

Because when Elena brings out the human that he once was, when he starts feeling himself fall just _a little bit _harder for her, and just when he might just start to _care_ a tad bit more, the vampire that he _is _comes out and _stops _him.

The vampire snatches his humanity away _every time _he starts to _care _and _feel _and _love_ too much.

(Every time he starts to feel _human_).

The vampire reminds him that humanity isn't what he _does _and being human isn't what he _is_ and that he should stop trying so goddamn _hard _because he's _not_ going to change.

_Elena's _not going to make him change. No matter how much he wants her to.

No matter how much he _needs _her to – because she doesn't love him as much as he loves her, and she can't help _all _of him if he doesn't have all of _her_.

Because Elena is just as elusive as his humanity – and there's nothing he can do about that.

And it _hurts _so much, and he's been _broken _so many times in the past there's only so much _hurt _he can take before he _snaps _and breaks for _good_.

So the vampire in him comes and sweeps his broken and raw and _vulnerable _humanity away, and reminds him that that's not who he is, and that's who he'll _never _be.

And as his fangs pierce Jessica's throat, Damon can't help but agree.

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**Author's Note: **First of all, I'd like to give a freaking standing ovation for Ian Somerhalder for that last scene, because it was _brilliant _– freaking brilliant. If that's not Oscar-worthy acting, than nothing is.

Seriously, I think this is the first time we see true and raw Damon for the first time, and Ian got him down to a T it's not even funny – I think that scene has moved me far more than his confession at the end of "Rose", because this is a real piece of Damon; one that's just on the brink of getting what he wants but doesn't see it.

If nothing has proven his humanity so far, than this, by far, does. I wanted to do that scene justice, and I hope I've achieved at least some semblance to reality – please drop in a review.


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